


‘I’m not going back in the field.’

by storytimewritings



Series: Post Bahrain reveal [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Andrew Garner - Freeform, Angst, F/M, Grant Ward - Freeform, Jemma Simmons - Freeform, Leo Fitz - Freeform, Nick Fury - Freeform, maria hill - Freeform, other characters mentioned:, post Bahrain reveal, s1 ep 1, spoilers for s2 esp 'Melinda'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-05 10:56:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4177230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storytimewritings/pseuds/storytimewritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the first in a series of oneshots of my post Bahrain series, exploring Melinda May scenes from the show from May's perspective and written in the context of the Bahrain reveal thanks to 'Melinda'. </p>
<p>I'm aiming to make this a tragic re-imagining of May's scenes, and have started it off with her very first scene in the pilot, with Coulson. </p>
<p>Minor Philinda and Meldrew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	‘I’m not going back in the field.’

**Author's Note:**

> Day 7-Free Choice for #melindaweek

Hill’s already called to warn her that Coulson’s going to show up. He’s recruited the rest of the team, the specialist she chose, Grant Ward, and the two science wiz kids. FitzSimmons are young, but the best at what they do, engineering and biochem; and the best is what she’ll need if this mission goes sideways. She can’t afford to lose this battle before it’s even begun.

It’s taken a considerable amount of time and will power to get to this moment, and for it to all sink in. She’s going back into the field. Fury’s orders. There’s not much she can, or is willing, to do. Fury was right, she was the best for the job, someone he could trust to protect Coulson and watch his recovery. But it hasn’t come without a cost.

The pain is bearable. At least, that’s what she tells herself. It’s hard to put the pain into perspective when you relive it every day, as if it had only happened yesterday. She hasn’t been back in the field since Bahrain, and the pain could exponentially increase with a force she hasn’t experienced since the day itself. All she knows is that no matter the change, she’ll hold onto the pain. She’ll continue to compartmentalise her emotions in a refusal to let them overwhelm her. She’ll seem no different than on any other day, she tells herself.

‘Agent May.’

But when Phil shows up, it’s a difficult reminder of what could have been. Of what may be.

‘No.’

She’s got to make it as realistic as possible. Even then, it’s not hard to say no, when every atom within her is quivering and every neuron firing in her brain is screaming for release, for a way to end this pain. She may never have found a way to eradicate it, but Melinda May knows that going into the field again could exacerbate the pain. It’s not hard to say no, because if this wasn’t her mission handed down directly from Fury, if she had a choice in the matter, no would be her response. No would always be her response.

‘So you’ve been briefed,’ he smirks down at her.

If only. She’d been briefed a long time ago, before Phil was even aware of the new mission Fury had prepared for him. His mission parameters are the parameters she’d created, in order to watch over him effectively, and take him out if need be.

She doesn’t like to remember that moment when Fury had told her the truth, as tears spilled down her cheeks. For a second, she had felt intense relief, which then turned to anger and pain when Fury told her what she had to do. All the years she spent hiding from the truth of Bahrain were to be in vain. To be responsible for taking out her best friend if things ended tragically reminded her too much of the terrible choice she was forced to make all those years ago. She recalls clutching the girl tightly, and sobbing hysterically in Phil’s arms as he dragged her out of the building.

‘I’m not going back in the field.’

That’s what she’d told herself the day she signed her transfer papers from the field to desk work. She couldn’t imagine doing anything other than working for SHIELD, but field ops were no longer an option. She couldn’t even keep her marriage together. Not after the agony she had suffered, which left no room for the pure, unadulterated joy she had previously felt with Andrew. All that pain didn’t leave much room for anything that wasn’t grief.

She barely remembered the trip home from Bahrain, even back then, only the ache in her heart which had never left her; the countless showers as she stared into the abyss that had become her life, the daze she wandered the house in, the shock of pain even at the slightest touch of her hand and the absent minded signing of her transfer papers.

‘Yeah, you’ve got such a nice set up here. You ever thought about adding a moat?’

That’s the Phil she remembers, always joking about something. If she’s being honest with herself, May knows that without direct orders from Fury, he’d be the only one even slightly capable of coaxing her out of this self-imposed isolation she had created. But she’d never let Andrew help build herself back up, and she wasn’t likely to let Phil do so either. Even telling Andrew the truth about Bahrain hadn’t been enough for them…

‘I just need you to drive the bus…liaise ground transpo, some onsite supervision…this isn’t a combat op.’

She wishes. It’s not a promise she knows he is capable of keeping, and he knows it too.

‘Then you don’t need me,’ she counters.

But he does. That’s what May and Fury were counting on after all. Fury and her had both known that he wouldn’t be able to pass up the opportunity to work with her again, and she had set the mission parameters accordingly.

‘I do. Cos we’ll be running ourselves-picking the ops, making the calls. No red tape. This is where they actually make the red tape, isn’t it? Always wondered.’

She allows a soft smile at that. She’d missed his jokes over the years, but not enough to take the plunge and resume their friendship. That path could only be paved with the pain of the past, pain that she already suffered from enough. She saw no use in hashing out old regrets and words unsaid.

‘Melinda…’

The way he says her name makes her pause ever so slightly, and she looks up at him, committing to the plunge.

‘You’re really just asking me to drive the bus?’

She knows it’s not completely true. Not really. They’ll come a time when she’s needed for more than the team’s transportation. She’s prepped herself for this, convinced Fury that she’ll be able to handle it. Of course, she won’t really know until the situation arises, but for the moment at least, she’s convinced herself of it.

Melinda May may not have ever fully returned after Bahrain, but she won’t let that stop her. She’ll continue to survive, to pull through even when everything seems lost. Because this is a mission she can’t afford to give up on. She won’t give up on her best friend.

‘I’m not asking, but it’s a really nice bus.’

Of course he’s not. But she’s finally ready to keep moving forward. To embrace the pain.


End file.
